pinkadot89: (Default)
[personal profile] pinkadot89 posting in [community profile] child_free
Hello, everyone! I just stumbled upon this community and decided to join. I may only be 21, but I've known for quite awhile that I will not be having children. I have gotten the "you'll change your mind" and "but you'd have cute kids" speeches quite often, but honestly, I just do not like children and I don't need one to feel fulfilled. People around me seem to not be able to accept that. My ex-boyfriend's friends were the worst about it.

His best friend has an almost two year old, who is his Godson, and I was always kind of scolded for not wanting to hold him, or for not clapping and smiling when he did something inappropriate that was thought to be funny. Why would you encourage a toddler to reach in someone's mouth, take food out, and eat it?! In fact, that night which was just a few months ago, one of his friends had said "Why are you with her if she doesn't like kids?" I didn't say anything during this whole ordeal, and just sat quietly and looked down. After that my boyfriend had told me that I "need to learn to like kids." It had never been a secret that I didn't want children, but now after 5 years it was a problem. Needless to say, me not wanting kids was one of the reasons he recently dumped me.

Sorry for the rambling personal narrative! I was just wondering, how do you all handle yourselves in these kinds of situations? Do you simply say it's a personal choice? Do you explain why you don't want children? Do you call them out for talking about you like you're not there? I'm sure hanging your head in shame, like I do, isn't the best response.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-06-08 02:28 pm (UTC)
dpfesh: (Childfree by choice)
From: [personal profile] dpfesh
Hey thar :) (At least i personally enjoy rambles, so no problems there) ;)

I'm 33 and have actively known i don't enjoy being around children, nor am i having any, since i was perhaps around 21. Went through the "it's assumed to be part of life" thing, then i actually *thought* about it and was like..dude, i so don't want them, don't want things growing in my body, don't want to unsettle MY life to raise someone else. Been helping my mom raise my 2 younger brothers since i was 6, i'm done, thanks.

To yer questions..
a) I don't hang around with a lot of 'breeders'. Very few of my friends happen to have children (most of them are stoners too, not sure if that plays into the whole..would rather enjoy their time/life than change entirely to be a responsible parent, or if just happens to be coincidence). (thinking of it, they're also mostly geeks - whom i find to be wonderful people, but don't always "settle down" early, or perhaps it's their a bit smarter than average peeps in using protection.. could be many things i suppose). Anyway, point is, i pretty much tend to foster friendships with other childless (or childfree) people.
b) I actively do Nice Things for Orphans/Needy Children - I *do* actually believe that children are a treasure and deserve loving homes that actively take great care in raising of this tiny human being. And i am happy to point that out to people, which usually shuts them up. (i make blankets and preemie hats & such).
c) I'm proud of who i am. Fuck 'em. The worst thing is to have a child you don't want. And if other people cannot see that, then they should not be breeding. And certainly have no room to speak down to someone that Knows Themselves and aren't afraid to stand up for their choices.
d) If pushed, i will (evilly) happily point out all the reasons i don't want children - my husband was beaten as a child and i was neglected and i wouldn't dare to repeat that cycle, I have low patience and would be afraid of harming a child, my body sucks & there's medical issues that i wouldn't wish upon any other person, Sometimes i can barely afford to take full medical care of my cats - and they'll never go to college, plus have y'all taken a look at The World lately?? The world is crazy! Why the hell would i bring a new human life into this world of war and oil drama and pollution and overpopulation and pain?? Sheeit.

Side note: If i were to ever have a sweetie (I'm bi & poly, so even tho yes i have a husband, there are other sweeties in my life too) that wasn't comfortable with who i am and standing up to asshole friends picking on me - that's not how a sweetie should act, fuck 'em. But i always stand up for myself first and foremost - if you don't protect yourself then no one else will.

People still give me and hubs crap about children (he's had a vasectomy like, years ago, so the having of children folks can't really push much) but we don't like being around them much either. I state that i enjoy tiny human babies, until they realize they have hands and a voice and can cry and get stuff, then i'm pretty much ~done~ enjoying their presence. Whereas hubs has NO desire to be around younger-than-5 children, but he'd totally play tag and climb trees and run around all crazy with middlin aged kids. But he's going to cuss and be himself and heaven forbid they ask him any questions coz he'll answer honestly ~grin~ parents be warned.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-06-08 04:51 pm (UTC)
dhamphir: (hang on)
From: [personal profile] dhamphir
First off, let me say I completely understand. I knew since I was teenager that I didn't ever want to have kids. People all said that I'd change my mind when I got older. Well, I'll turn 50 next year and I never changed my mind. *lol*

I'd like to say that not wanting children was never an issue in any of my relationships, but it was in my first marriage. However, that relationship was doomed for a great many reasons which were much more serious than whether we'd one day have kids or not. Fortunately, it was very short-lived.

I can tell you that in all of my long term relationships, I have sought out like-minded partners. If someone wanted kids it was a deal breaker for me, so it has not really been an issue in my life.

Sometimes though, I have friends with children. I find I can only take being around children (or parents who incessently talk about their children to the exclusion of anything else) for a limited amount of time. So my social interaction with those friends is more limited.

And now, at my age, I find the challenge is sometimes to not fall into the company of someone who is obsessed with their grandchildren! *lol* Though, since most of my friends have been child-free, they are also grandchild-free as well.

Bottom line: Do not settle for someone who doesn't share your views on this vital point. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for not wanting children or not enjoying being around children. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. As [personal profile] dpfesh said, it's far worse to have a child you don't want.
Edited Date: 2011-06-08 04:53 pm (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-06-08 05:47 pm (UTC)
dhamphir: (candle)
From: [personal profile] dhamphir
It's quite alright to not date for a while. And the "I don't want children" conversation doesn't have to be something to dread. Even though it IS an important issue, it's something that can be broached in a completely casual way. Looking back on my own experiences, it was never a big scary conversation. It was more just part of the natural process of getting to know the other person. You'd be surprised how casually the topic can come up.

In the meantime, continue your studies, spend time with your friends, and enjoy life. ;-)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-06-08 08:31 pm (UTC)
archersangel: (life on-line)
From: [personal profile] archersangel
Why would you encourage a toddler to reach in someone's mouth, take food out, and eat it?!

the stuff parents let kids, especially little ones, get away with often amazes me.
Edited (typo) Date: 2011-06-08 08:32 pm (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-06-08 11:43 pm (UTC)
drgnhlr: (Default)
From: [personal profile] drgnhlr
I'm 36 and have known since at least 18 that I didn't want kids. I don't have the temperament for them (extremely short fuse). Now, it's a question of health - mine's horrible.

When I got the 'you'll change your mind' thing from EVERY damn person I knew, I'd just smile a 'secret smile' and go 'uh huh, sure' in a sarcastic tone of voice (because really, you saying I'm going to bow to 'peer' pressure is really going to work?). Folks finally stopped when I hooked up with my DH and we had that discussion EARLY in the relationship - if he'd said "must have kids", I'd have said "then it won't be with me".

He's quite happy being an uncle. And we don't even see the nieces and nephews all that much! My tolerance for little kids (10 and under) is low. I don't even have tolerance for today's teenager.

As has been said already, folks that seem like they are pressuring you, dump them. They can't respect your boundaries.

The few friends with kids I know, I hardly see. We have nothing in common since they are more focused on their kids and I'd rather do 'adult' things (which boils down to whatever I want).

I'm sorry the dude dumped you, but I think you are going to be better off in the long run.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-06-10 04:17 am (UTC)
amandajayne: (Kids Suck)
From: [personal profile] amandajayne
Good friends won't question your beliefs. I'm getting sterilized next month and that's when the questions will STOP.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-12-27 03:51 am (UTC)
yumesan: My friend and I as game avatars. (real friends blow stuff up with you)
From: [personal profile] yumesan
First off, I'm really sorry for the late reply. The really, really late reply! Also... Teal Dear: I'm a happy, and slightly tipsy, cat lady.

I'm a 30-something woman who's been working retail far too long. And since I also tend to be an introvert... Well, an introvert who's job is to pretend to be an extravert (or whatever) tends to come home to her loving and demanding cat and pull the top of the clam shell down firmly until the beginning of my next shift.

But in any case... I have also been put on the spot when it comes to having children in the past. I had the boyfriend who wanted a good little housewife to homeschool the children and help him with his missionary work, the guy who told his highschool buddy that his ideal date was to rape a dead woman in a field, the college friend with a lot to offer in terms of convincing me I couldn't possibly be not-straight (including a stiffie to the back in the middle of an allergy attack).

In the end, I ended up enjoying my life without the demands of another. Men, or women, they can either be happy sharing my life with me an accepting the choices I've made, or they can leave with a smile and a wistful wave from me.

I learned that anyone who really loves you will not question what you think is right for your own life. If you feel the need to feel shame in front of someone else because you don't share their goals in life, then they probably aren't the type to willingly support your life choices as much as you may accept theirs. Even my mother, who has a huge trunk of toys for her to play with her grandchildren, has lovingly accepted that I have decided that I am not up to the task of bearing and raising children.

So frankly, it isn't your place to feel shame in not seeing children in your future. It's up to those around you to accept and love you without reservation or guilt BECAUSE you have decided not to inflict a child with the knowledge that they were never wanted and brought forth with nothing but suffering and regret. Every single friend I told 'I respect you for having them, but not for me...' has completely respected and supported me in return.

And as for the whole 'preaching' aspect... I spent over twenty years feeling like I was guilty for any relationship failures that happened. I spent years deliberately undoing the damage 'normal' society had done in trying to push me in to being a glorified baby factory. And a decade later I am cheerfully upsetting my conservative aunt by not only accepting her predictions of becoming a 'crazy cat lady' in my later years, but reacting to her predictions with anticipation. Beats giving her the smug satisfaction of lording her life revolving around her special needs son and in-debt lifestyle over my stable owned-apartment and enjoyment-filled entanglement-free life.

Don't be ashamed of who you choose to be.

Be ashamed of those who can't respect you for the person you are.


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